Or sometimes seven days. Or however many it has been since this. Things are still crazy around here, and I am still having moments of panic, and my baby is still having trouble sleeping, but I feel a little less terrorized by it all. Yes, a LITTLE LESS. And that might not sound like much, but really, it’s huge. Those small moments of feeling normal are what I have to cling to sometimes. If you live with depression and anxiety you might know how I feel, but if you don’t, I’ll try to explain. The days that are a little heavy on the anxiety are the worst for me. Depression I can live with because over the years I’ve gotten quite adept at it. Really. I suspect I’ve had it since childhood (maybe age 10 or 11) and so it feels quite normal to me. It’s just the lens through which I view my world. Some days are worse than others, but mostly it’s just “meh” and a shoulder shrug to me. But the anxiety is sort of a new beast that came along in my 30s. And I hate it. Even when you have very real reasons to be anxious (moving, pregnancy complications, money issues, moving again, first-time parenthood, starting a new job, more money issues), it just sucks. It sucks to feel rigid with worry all day long. Sometimes I am constantly worrying worrying worrying. Sometimes I will suddenly notice that my shoulders are sitting right underneath my ears because I am so hunched up. And then I develop these knots in my shoulder muscles. And then I get a headache. And then I can’t sleep at night. And this especially sucks because since I have a 4-month-old (OMG – 4 MONTHS PEOPLE) baby I am still in the sleep-when-she-sleeps phase and so when she is slumbering peacefully for the few hours a night that she does it and I’m lying awake wondering if I’ll ever get good enough at my job to make money at it I start wondering how hard it is to get ahold of chloroform and would it put me to sleep? Anybody have the number of that Conrad Murray guy? I’m kidding. Really. Mostly what I came here to write about (and then got completely waylaid by my mental illness) is that this week is better than last week. Louisa had some really bad days, especially this weekend. She didn’t sleep much Friday or Saturday night, but Jason was here and he got up with me when I got up with her. And he went to McDonald’s at 4 am Saturday morning when it appeared that Lou was up for the day and all I wanted was a bacon egg n cheese biscuit and some orange juice (and then, just as the car was pulling away from the apartment she went back to sleep and I just laughed). But, she has also had some good days. Sunday was good. Monday was better. Yesterday? Not so much. I worked last night and she fussed (by which I mean hollered) almost the entire time. In fact, she started at around 3 in the afternoon. It’s almost like she knew that I was going to be away from her for 5 hours. I’m not saying it’s separation anxiety, because she’s way too young for that, but she just isn’t accustomed to being away from me and my boobs for that long. Because no, since you’re asking, I don’t have her on a schedule (so I just feed her whenever it seems like she might be hungry). And I’m sure a schedule would help. But you guys, how do I put her on a schedule when I am not even on one? The past month or so has been chaos on top of chaos with a side of wheeeeee! So anyway, I’m hoping that once things settle and Jason and I have figured out what schedule works for us, she’ll get to be more okay with it. Luckily I work from home (which I did on purpose to be home with her) so when I need to I interrupt myself for a few minutes and breast feed her while I proofread and edit. For right now it’s working. And for right now I’m not anxious. I’m really looking forward to Thanksgiving, even though I’m cooking way too much food and people are coming to my new apartment that isn’t put together yet. Because it’s going to be FUN and DELICIOUS and my beloved mama for whom my daughter is named is going to be here for 5 days!
In closing, Lou has been sleeping now for about an hour (a nap! an actual nap!) so I had a chance to catch up on blogs I like to read and I spotted this on dooce. And I realized that A. I’m not alone. B. Children don’t sleep right and they never will. C. Someday Louisa will be 8 years old and despite the fact that she only sleeps for a few hours at a time and that when she sleeps longer I panic and think she’s dead, I’m going to look back and miss these days so I better just enjoy them. D. I miss Utah.