The Husband had a job interview after work today. Since we work together (not for long) and it was on the way home I just went with him and waited outside while he went in to talk shop. It was in The Pearl District of downtown Portland, a trendy and posh, semi-overpriced and somewhat snobby neighborhood. Snobby in a bourgeois “we have money and you don’t” kind of a way, rather than a hipster “we have ironic moustaches and you don’t” kind of a way (which describes pretty much the rest of Portland). I’ll take the money over the moustaches any day, but anyway – again, I’m digressing (what else is new?) – as I was going to be chilling by myself for a while I decided to call it my artist’s date for the week and to explore my surroundings, looking for inspiration in my writing. I walked around a little bit, then sat in the car once the sun started to go down and my wussiness kicked in. Here’s what I saw:
eight happy couples (no, not all together, at different times, wandering, hand in hand, gazing into each other’s eyes)
a chick with bright pink hair. wait, I mean BRIGHT PINK hair.
a Malcolm McDowell look alike. Maybe it was him? He could be in Portland.
a shivering whippet wearing a sweater (an apparently faulty sweater, hence the shivering).
a breakdancer. dude was breaking on the concrete. that seems painful.
a tiny woman getting into a gigantic Escalade.
a woman taking photographs of her kid, posing in front of his stroller. I wonder if she’s entering him in some sort of contest? hopefully she’s just a mommy blogger.
lots and lots of boots – my favorite of which was a pair of tall, green, rubber ones that seemed to somehow turn into clogs at the bottom. the woman wearing them also had an enormous, plaid purse, and a tiny chihuahua.
a man who struck me to be exactly what Bono would look like with platinum blonde hair (he even had the sunglasses – and really, sunglasses at dusk in Portland? silly)
the same couple crossing back and forth through the same intersection 4 different times. I noticed because he had giant hair, like a pompom on top of his head, and it was pulled back by a headband. A rather girlish headband that didn’t match his rather grizzly bearish appearance.
2 red light runners.
a Garth Brooks shirt circa 1994. Remember when he did that whole Chris Gaines thing? That was awesome. My alter ego is going to be Sylvia Sandborn, and I shall write romance novels.
a set of dreadlocks(on someone’s head, of course, not just weird, disembodied dreadlocks floating down the street). I confess, I hate them. I imagine the smell and I shudder in revulsion. Every. Single. Time.
5 people running
10 people bicycling
2 different people at 2 separate times dressed in camo jackets and red sneakers. Do you think it’s a club? a cult? or just coincidental fashion faux pas?
a backpack on wheels (don’t worry, you’ll only laugh at that if you’re my mom, sister or brother)
a mohawk mullet. feck. yeah.
a ZZ Top beard. dude. for real?
a man picking his nose and flicking it on the sidewalk. classy.
a completely shaven head covered almost entirely in tattoos.
5 people texting while walking
6 people talking on phones while walking
a man with a TWO BUH FOUR (said with a trucker hat on and a toothpick in my mouth) in his backpack. yes. on his back. it was sticking out the top. do you think he made it home without injuring himself or someone else?
aside from the expected Oregons and Washingtons, license plates from California, Nebraska, Vermont, Florida and Georgia.
and finally, the following vanity plates: BND MOM – are they from Bend? Does she like James Bond? I hate vanity plates when I can’t figure them out. it’s like I’m on Jeopardy and choking under the pressure. MULVA – clearly a Seinfeld fan, that one made me laugh. M SQD – mod squad? M squared? See? maddening. KIDZ – is that the latest Utah sports team? Oh wait. Then it would have two Zs. P MILLR – probably his name. Or he drinks a lot of MGD. Ha ha. Get it? Oh shut up. ELL W – I got nothin’ – could be a fan of Legally Blonde, could be the person’s name . Ooo! maybe it’s a rapper? and it’s pronounced ell dub? IRE MON – I’m assuming the really white guy in this Subaru wasn’t truly a rastafarian, merely a big Bob Marley fan, but I could be wrong. Kind of ironic to shorten it to ire, as that has an entirely different meaning than Irie. BONNY B – on a little blue bug, with a Jesus fish. She hearts Jesus. And possibly lip smackers.
All of that on one street, in a 30 minute period. Wonder if I could fit it all into a story…