Here’s the thing about depression that I hate the most: It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I’m just mindin’ my own business, thinking I’m fine and then somehow in the middle of the night it sneaks back in (maybe through my mouth while I’m snoring? that seems like a logical explanation) and I wake up in the morning in the middle of a dark cloud. I really wish I could describe with eloquent detail what it feels like to be depressed but, other than to say it is complete and utter darkness, I cannot. Like, a blanket of darkness. Everywhere. There is no color – everything is gray. And I get tunnel vision anyway so that all I can see is what is right in front of me. And then it squeezes my diaphragm, making it hard to breathe.
In case you’re wondering (or haven’t figured it out), it happened again last night. Which, by the way, sounds like a really fun title for a memoir, yes? – It Happened Again Last Night: A Memoir, by Anjeanette Carter. Except then it’s not really a fun story about a great party or a magnificent adventure, it’s just dementors sucking my soul out and leaving a paper-thin shell behind. Because that’s what depression is. Dementors. [if you didn’t know, JK Rowling has talked about her struggles with depression and how she wrote the dementors to describe what it was like and MAN IF IT ISN’T SPOT ON I’M JUST SAYING IT’S DEMENTORS AND THEY’RE EVERYWHERE SO IF YOU’RE DEPRESSED TOO GO AHEAD AND BLAME IT ON THEM]
Anyway – not much to say other than it’s spring and so hopefully they’ll go away and leave me alone soon. And also I would like to write more often and probably will be able to because Jason is GRADUATING (jazz hands) in like a week and then hopefully getting a job and then mine won’t be the shoulders upon whom the financial wellbeing of the family rests and maybe I can sleep at night. And breathe. And see. And stuff.
Okay, so I guess what I really wanted to say is, depression sucks. And if you’re not okay, I hope you will be soon. And also I read this really great thing by John Pavlovitz about depression today so maybe read it instead of my particular brand of rambling idiocy.
This particularly struck a chord:
“And as a believer I understand the guilt for not being thankful for what I have and the shame of feeling that if I really believed in God, that if my faith was strong enough—I would just snap out of it.
And above all, I know the silence that you can imprison yourself in because you’re sure you’d be a burden to people around you.
Depression and anxiety and the other dark spaces our minds manufacture do their worst damage by putting distance between us and the world; keeping us sequestered in the despair where the only voice we can hear clearly is our own.”