Wouldn’t it be funny if I just showed up, two years (give or take) after my last post and just posted, with no explanation of my absence, no preamble at all…
I was looking for something on my Facebook page the other day (probably how to block someone for their incessant political rants) and saw that I actually had a link to my blog on it. I have no recollection of doing that. But then, I have two children under the age of 6 so I don’t remember much of anything. So I clicked on it. And read my last few posts. And remembered the crushing weight of life that I was carrying around. I remember there being days where all I could do was breathe, take care of my kids, and work. The months following Louisa’s diagnosis were unbearably painful in a way I can’t describe. If you have special needs kids you probably know what I mean. Everything changes so irreparably so very quickly. Have you ever opened your oven when it’s set at a really hot temperature and it almost scorches your face off and takes your breath away? It’s sort of like that. Only it keeps happening. Things feel fine for a while and then… SCORCH. Again.
A lot has happened since then, in such a relatively short (yet seemingly eternal) time. Simon was diagnosed with autism too. My husband went back to college. I cut all my hair off and grew it out again. My grandma died. Donald Trump was elected President. Two new Star Wars movies came out (!!!!!!!). I became a Christian (I know, what the hell, right? It happened. Maybe I’ll tell that story someday). The point is, that’s a whole lot of stuff crammed into such a short period. And it’s okay. Finally. Right now. Today. It’s okay. Mostly. Simon just turned 3 so he’s a giant asshole most of the time but he is talking (which, in case you don’t realize, is a huge deal). There is the possibility (and lots of hope) that with therapy he will get so much better that by the time he starts kindergarten he might be “normal” (neurotypical is the more PC term) enough to lose his diagnosis. Louisa is better. She isn’t talking much but her school and two years’ time have turned her into a different kid. We’re broke (ish) but coping (ish).
I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And I’m almost positive (fingers (and toes) crossed) it isn’t a train this time! For so long (SO SO SO LONG) every day was almost terrifying. Like, what will happen today? Anything bad? Probably not anything good! I was always cringing, waiting for a bomb to go off, expecting a shitty phone call or a terrifying bill to show up or just… anything terrible to happen. Kind of like a stupid jack-in-the-box – you keep cranking… cranking… slower….. slower because I hate those and if I go slowly maybe it won’t scare the OH @#$% IT WENT OFF IN MY FACE AGAIN. Every time I felt like things were settling down something else would happen. My husband wrecked our little car. Then we were all in the big car and got smashed into. Both cars totalled in less than a year. Then we found out the big car never actually technically belonged to us because the shady people we purchased it from never sent the paperwork to the DMV so we never had a title but we didn’t notice because they registered it to us just fine (as did the DMV in Utah when we moved here, by the way) (also, in case you were wondering why we never noticed that, did I ever tell you about the time we were buying a car while I was in labor? It was a crazy time, get off my back). Did I mention I hate Las Vegas? That eventually all got sorted but then one day we got a mysterious parking ticket in the mail from California for a car we didn’t own that just happened to have the Nevada plates that were once ours when we lived there and apparently still showed up as ours in their system (have I mentioned I despise Las Vegas?) so because we couldn’t prove that we didn’t own that car and park it somewhere in California illegally, I had to pay the damn fine. I was sick for two months last winter and finally went to the doctor – had pneumonia, got drugs and inhalers and etc etc and then a ridiculous bill in the mail with a note saying “hey, your insurance plan (THANKS OBAMA) is so crappy it doesn’t pay for anything!!” or something similar.
So, yeah. Sorry this turned into a giant whine fest. That wasn’t the point. It’s just that once I started typing I started remember all of the things that have happened in the last… well, since Jason and I got married actually. Honestly, it has been almost seven years of one thing after another! But (and I type this cautiously so as not to tempt fate) things seem to finally be settling. Our normal is definitely not the same as other people’s normal but at least things are normal now.