My daughter has my feet. I know this because she likes me to rub her feet so I do it a lot and recently whilst studying them I realized that they are my exact feet (minus some scars and the hairy toes) miniaturized. Today while rubbing her little feet and marveling at how they really are SO EXACTLY LIKE MINE I… burst into tears. Hardly unusual around here lately. I mean… it’s no picnic being a mom to a toddler and an unreasonable 9-month-old baby (who has lately stopped sleeping omgwhy). Add to that the side dish of depression with which I often times struggle (see for example: previous gagillion posts about it shutupAnjeanettealreadygeez) and the fact that the toddler is now most likely probably autistic and… lots of tears. And being angry. And wondering if this is truly my life now. And then feeling guilty for being angry and sad and not positive and upbeat and READY TO ATTACK! GO TEAM GO! LET’S FIGURE THIS OUT! which I probably should be and… I don’t even know. Somehow, today, seeing her feet and realizing that I don’t know what the hell the future holds, for her or for us as a family, is just making me have a hard time right now. I mean, nobody can ever predict the future (hazy, ethereal, card-reading/crystal ball-consulting psychics aside) but with kids there’s a general path which you can assume they’ll follow: walking, talking, potty training, kindergarten, The Horrible Teenage Years of Doom, etc. But with this, with her, what is the future? Hopefully there’s talking and sweet fancy Moses there’d better be potty training and there’s definitely kindergarten because of laws in this country etc, etc, et al, but after that… what? And I can’t help feeling that I have miserably failed her in some fundamental way. I mean, I shouldn’t blame myself but… how can I not? What if this is all the result of me being gone to the hospital and/or me having Simon too soon and/or abruptly moving to Utah, or all of those things within the span of 7 months… or maybe even just My Terrible Parenting? What then? How do I fix it?
This is the conversation I have with myself, basically on a constant loop – day after day, hour after hour – even at night when I should be sleeping. I have no answers. We’re working on answers. And possibly solutions. But still. The future is… anybody’s guess.