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There is a full-blown Elmomania going on in my house, y’all, and I’m not sure it’s possible to describe the depths of my loathing for his screechy-voiced, red, furry ass. It’s a lot. A lot of loathing. I remember back in the late-90s when Barney was all the rage and my friends with kids were like OMFG I HATE BARNEY and I thought to myself WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU EVER INTRODUCE YOUR KID TO BARNEY THEN, DUMMY? And I promised that if I ever had kids (which was never going to happen because I did not want them, Sam I Am (stupid biological clock)) I would just never show them television, especially the kind with obnoxious characters that make you want to blow your brains out, and everything would be fine. Good plan. *pats self on back*

Sigh. Eat thine words, Anjeanette.

Louisa never really watched television until she was about 18 months old. We were wandering through Netflix and discovered that they had Sesame Street. I loved Sesame Street when I was a kid and therefore was all excited to show it to her. I’m sure you already know this, folks, but I was horrified to discover that Sesame Street ain’t what it used to be. In fact, I think Sesame Street and all things Muppet-related died right along with Jim Henson. Sorry, Jim-Henson’s-kid-who-took-over-when-he-died, you just ain’t cuttin’ it. Kermit and Ernie’s voices are all wrong, Guy Smiley and Captain Vegetable don’t even exist anymore, there are all these new, stupid muppets like Abby Cadabby and Baby Bear, and Elmo has his own segment that takes up 20 ENTIRE MINUTES OF THE SHOW. The hell, people?! That is a lot of third-person-talking time. And don’t even get me started on Mr. Noodle.

Obviously I was aware of Elmo, I mean, anybody who was sentient during the Christmas season of 1996 – the height of the Tickle Me Elmo craze – knows who he is. I did not, however, know that he was The Shit. Like, the boss, nay the GOD of Sesame Street. When did this happen? And why? The entire 20-minute end of the show is dedicated to his ass! And there is no shortage of him on the rest of the show either.

Plus, PLUS! The merchandising! DVDs, dolls, clothing, lunch boxes, sippy cups – good lord! I know about all of these things because my mother-in-law discovered the extent of the Elmo worship and proceeded to buy! all the things! Louisa has two (TWO!) talking Elmos, one called Many Kisses Elmo who makes a MWAH sound when you squeeze his hand and one who sings the alphabet in that hideous, high-pitched, ridiculous voice and even manages to squeeze in the third person talking because Elmo never says I or me, he always says Elmo and so the alphabet song ends with “Now ELMO knows his ABCs, next time won’t you sing with ELMOOOOOOO”. Um, THAT DOESN’T RHYME, ELMO. And he sings it super loud because there is no volume switch, of course. Also, no off switch (WTF? all the other toys have an off switch) which is why he is currently hiding deep in the closet and will probably eventually take a fun trip to the scarlet fever pile. Or, you know, Goodwill.

And then there’s his laugh. What is with the laugh, you guys? It’s creepy, amiright? I think they should make another Child’s Play sequel in which Chucky and Elmo team up.)

Call me, Hollywood. We'll talk.

Call me, Hollywood. We’ll talk.

We are also the proud owners of three (THREE!) Elmo DVDs, all of which are wholly and utterly irritating. (Well, okay, I admit to liking a few of the segments on The Best of Elmo 2, like the singing bit with Jason Mraz or the part in the bit with Adam Sandler where the dragon says I KISSED ADAM SANDLER. But for the most part I want to gouge out my own eyes (and ears come to think of it) when it’s on.

And then there’s the potty chair. My mother-in-law already has the potty chair. At first I was under the impression that she had purchased it after Louisa starting worshipping at The Church of Elmo and was just waiting for the go ahead to bring it to us and was a little annoyed but have since discovered that no, it was used by Louisa’s cousin Jacob, grandkid #1, for potty training and since he is now just about to graduate from kindergarten and has thus been potty trained for ages we are more than welcome to take it! Yay! And it talks! IT TALKS, YOU GUYS. I’m not sure what it says (Elmo loves pooh!) but it talks. Despite the fact that I have been politely declining every time she brings it up I am pretty sure it will eventually end up at my house. I guess I can take cold comfort in the fact that Louisa will at least be shitting on him, right?

I have tried, LO HAVE I LABORED MANY A TIME, to get her to love Winnie the Pooh with the same fervor but alas, it is not meant to be. She likes him okay and will point to the TV and say “Pooh!” when he is on (which she also shouted repeatedly yesterday to indicate that she had indeed poohed (I guess maybe I should accept the Elmo potty after all.)) *heaves gigantic sigh* but she reserves her true cult fandom for Elmo, pointing and saying his name over and over and overandoverandover. That part is actually kind of cute because it sounds like elbow and thus makes me smile a little. But still. I sometimes envision myself strangling the furry little bastard until his tongue is hanging out and the life leaves his eyes. Like this:

He makes a pretty good babysitter, though. I know, judge away, but the only way I can get a shower every day is to turn on Elmo’s World (seriously, she won’t even sit through an entire episode of Sesame Street (which, I can’t blame her because it reallllly realllllllly sucks nowadays) so I have to skip to the Elmo part)) and be done before it is.

Sigh. All I can say is damn you, Kevin Clash. (side note: I foolishly thought (and maybe hoped a little) that Elmo would die a horrible death after that whole sex scandal Kevin was involved in but I think they just replaced him with some other puppeteer in possession of a horrible high-pitched voice)

I leave you with this, quite possibly THE most irritating thing Elmo has ever done. You’re welcome.