Yes. That is the title of this blog post. Because I am too tired to be clever and/or creative. In fact, I’m too tired to type this blog post but here I am anyway. Both of my kids are napping at the same time and whilst I should be napping also, I just am not. So stuff it. Sorry. That was rude. I guess I meant that I’m not napping because getting both kids to nap at the same time is so tricky that sometimes by the time they are both out I’m just not feeling it anymore and that is what happened today. Usually Simon is already asleep when Louisa’s nap time rolls around. Her nap time is somewhere between 10:30 and 11 in the morning, if you’re interested. Yes, I know, most people with toddlers have them nap in the afternoon but it doesn’t work that way around here. If I wait until afternoon to put her down she becomes a screaming toddler-monster of doom and then she stays awake at night until 11 (when she usually only stays awake until 9:30 but that’s a whole different post). So anyway, usually Simon is already asleep and I can just spend a few minutes getting her to sleep. She sleeps on my bed (I never extended the sleep training to nap time, sue me) so I lay next to her rubbing her arm and/or head until she drifts off. For the last couple of days Simon hasn’t been as cooperative (damn babies) but I’ve managed to simultaneously breastfeed him to sleep whilst sitting on the bed, and get Louisa to fall asleep next to me. Then I ninja him and myself out of there (yes, I used ninja as a verb – sue me, I’m sleep deprived) and if he keeps on a sleepin’ I park myself on the couch and try to sleep. It’s complicated but it usually works. Until about an hour later when he wakes up suddenly and shrieks like someone is stabbing him with a hot poker (note: I am not stabbing him with a hot poker). And then eventually Louisa wakes up and is all sensitive (because she always is when she wakes up) so I’m holding him while he screams and she is sitting next to me grabbing my arm and/or leaning on me while she whines. It makes me feel like a total failure as a mother and is my least favorite time of the day.
Believe it or not I had no intention of writing that when I logged in here. Honestly, that was just a big ol’ diversion. Geez. What I meant to do was make a quick little post about how effing tired I am, so much so that last night when Simon woke up again at 2:17 after I had just fed and put him back to sleep at 1:43 I just started crying and Jason had to take over. My poor husband. When Louisa was this tiny I spent most nights on the couch with her next to me in her sleeper, thus preventing him from the sleep deprivation – he, after all, had (still has) to get up at like 5:30 to get to work by 7. I do not. This time around, however, I have to stay in our room because if he pitches a giant fit in the middle of the night and wakes up Louisa… well, let’s just say we don’t want that to happen. So he frequently gets awakened by me scrambling to get the baby on the Boppy and the boobie in the baby before the baby gets loud. I’m really good at it, so Jason normally goes right back to sleep. And Simon is a much better sleeper than Louisa was, he really is. I’m not sure if it was my fault that she was a terrible sleeper (because I was an anxious wreck of a human and perhaps she was picking up on and responding to it? or something? nah – let’s just blame her) but she was. Simon usually sleeps for at least three hours in a row at some point in the night and this is a very very good thing. But still – with the sleep deprivation. I have done this before and it was less than two years ago so I was wracking my brain on my walk this morning as to why it seems so much worse this time – is it because of momnesia? Or is it actually worse? And then I thought, DUH ANJEANETTE because DUH – so obvious. It’s because of two things:
1. I didn’t have another baby last time. So even though Louisa was a terrible sleeper, especially at night, I could take two or three naps during the day if I needed to, and frequently did. Nowadays I have an infant AND a toddler – so when the infant is sleeping I am still responsible for a very young child who would, if left to her own devices, spend the day drinking water out of the cat dish, climbing on dangerous objects, opening kitchen drawers and taking things out (as in KNIVES PEOPLE, KNIVES) etc etc. So, no napping. Unless they nap at the same time (see above re: my ninja skills).
2. I wasn’t working yet. So yeah. When the day was over, the day was over. Jason came home, we took turns eating dinner (while one was eating the other was holding/bouncing/feeding/consoling Louisa because she, like most babies, was an evening fusser), gave her a bath and then I went to bed as soon as she did. Nowadays I have to work from 5 to 10 pm so… yeah. My day technically starts at 6:30 ish am (when my husband leaves and/or Louisa wakes up) and doesn’t end until 10 pm. And that’s if Simon is cooperating. Sometimes he wakes up at 4 am and doesn’t go back to sleep until right before Louisa wakes up. And sometimes he has been screaming the whole time I’ve been working (see above re: evening fussiness in babies) and doesn’t go to sleep until 11:30 or 12. So why, you may be asking, didn’t I take maternity leave? Well, dear readers, that was the plan originally. While I do technically work for the company I work for, they don’t actually hire people and put them on payroll (especially the American ones as it is an Australian company and that would be complicated) so I am an independent contractor. Which is kind of cool because it allows me lots of freedom. So I totally could have taken time off and just not been paid for it. We were going to save lots of money for just that scenario but then I got hospitalized. For TWO MONTHS. And so I wasn’t working for two months and we were barely able to stay afloat. There was no money saving going on. [side note: if you’re wondering why I couldn’t just take my lap top to the hospital and work there it’s because of confidentiality/privacy issues (think HIPAA) – I am required to have a secure internet connection (and a wifi hot spot, such as that at the hospital, is not at all secure, as is clearly stated when you log in to one), and I am supposed to work in a confined office wherein nobody can see over my shoulder to access private patient information (definitely not possible in a hospital situation – somebody is always all up in yo bizniss). So that’s why I spent two months watching every TV show available on Netflix (seriously, all of them, quiz me if you don’t believe me) instead of working full time. What. A. Gigantic. WASTEOFTIME] So I only took three weeks off when Simon was born, and he was in the NICU for the first week and a half. Meaning I threw myself back into work when my newborn was still a newborn and it sucks. The End.
Anyway – the sleep deprivation is a bitch. And so is this post. Really. I’m not even sure if it makes sense or if the sentences are complete or if I even got my point across. I always compose such lovely posts in my head while I’m breastfeeding the baby in the middle of the night or pushing both kids around in the stroller every morning but by the time I get to the computer they have mostly evaporated and you guys get a stream of consciousness nightmare just like this one. It’s too bad there isn’t some sort of device that could record my thoughts as a blog post which I could then edit later. I’m sure Google is working on it.