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Hi there. I know. I’ve been absent. I’m not sure for how long, but probably a long time.  I’ve composed lots of blog posts in my head if that counts for anything but I’ve been too busy throwing up and feeling sorry for myself to grab the computer and type ’em out. But here I am. Not typing any of those posts but confessing my sins because I have finally reached the end of my rope as far as the lack of sleep goes and I have done what I thought/said I would never do and am letting my daughter cry in the hopes that she will learn to go to sleep in her own crib without either a breast or a bottle and hours of ridiculousness lulling her to sleep. You guys. It’s terrible. It really is. I hate hearing her cry and scream and plead and whyohwhydidIagreetothis? But I have to keep reminding myself that for the past month it has been taking up to 2 hours to get her to sleep with bottles of milk and back rubs and more bottles of milk and on and on it goes. And my husband has been sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the living room because he has to get up at 5 for work. And she is sleeping in bed with me. And by “with me” I mean “on top of me”. And rolling all over. And kicking me. And sometimes punching me in the face. And waking up at least twice and usually three times a night and requiring a diaper change and another bottle and another 30 to 60 minutes of back rubbing to get back to sleep. And so I am never sleeping. And so I am exhausted. And frustrated. And short tempered. All. The. Time. And that makes me feel like a bad mom. And so during the day, between barfing every time she poops (every.single.time) and this weird cough I’ve had that my doctor swears isn’t related to pregnancy but what the hell else is it due to and having to switch to a new group at work so that I’m a little more stressed again and changing my schedule to working later so that blah blah BLAH you guys I’m so tired I just can’t do it anymore.

So. On Friday night we put up the other crib rail so that it is now an actual crib and moved it away from our bed. We waited until she was tired. We put her in the crib. We let her cry for increasingly longer intervals before going in to comfort her (sort of a modified Ferber (I can’t believe I just used his name so that people can hate me and judge me)) and eventually she slowed down… and was only just moaning a little.. and then would stop… and then start again… and we didn’t dare go in… and then we did and she was (and I am not making this up because who could?), basically asleep standing up. Standing there at the side of her crib waiting for us to come and save her but so tired that her little head was laying on her hands on the crib rail and she was sleeping just a little. And my heart broke. And then my husband laid her down and stroked her little head and she went to sleep. And stayed there for SIX WHOLE FUCKING HOURS. You guys. My daughter has only slept for six hours in a row once in her tiny life and it was after three days of teething hell when I finally figured out what was going on and gave her some Tylenol and she passed out. Other than that, three hours has been the max. After which she awakens and if we’re lucky it’s a quick back-to-sleep but if we’re not she can be up for an hour or so. So there’s that. But I still feel like an asshole. And a bad mom who is going straight to hell on the Bad Mom Express. And yesterday was a nightmare because the six-hour mark fell at 5 am so we just decided to let that be wake up time.  And then last night we did it again and ohhhh how she cried and fought against it and eventually my husband had to do the head rubbing thing to get her down but she slept for five hours in a row. At one point she woke up and cried a little but then – she fell back asleep. She soothed herself! She has never done that before! I’m counting these as triumphs because otherwise I will cry and feel guilty about it all again.

So yeah. Nobody in this house is well rested. I’ll tell you that much. But I’m crossing my fingers that we will be soon. Because in six months there will be another sleep-depriving demon living with us. And yeah. How are you?

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