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Oh you guys. What a mother fucker of a few weeks it has been around here. And by the way, I might be swearing a lot in this post so if you’re easily offended please go away. I’m sleep deprived, sad, and frustrated and my writing skills are suffering thusly. I almost titled this post FUCK because that’s just how I feel. What can I say? Louisa, Louisa, Louisa. My daughter, my sweetheart, the love of my life has been a monster lately. No really. She was such a joy up until about 3 weeks ago and then suddenly she stopped sleeping, started wanting to nurse all day long and started throwing these horrid screaming fits. She is teething. I hate it. Mostly I just want to comfort her and make it go away, and I can’t. But if we’re being completely honest, sometimes I get so tired and frustrated and sick to death of hearing her scream that I feel like I am losing my mind. And then I feel like a terrible mother. And before you ask me, yes we’ve tried teething gel, yes we’ve tried teething tablets – they don’t work. The only thing that works is Tylenol but we only give it to her at night so she will get some sleep. Because if she doesn’t sleep at night she won’t nap the next day (it’s a vicious cycle) and the longer she doesn’t sleep the louder she screams and the more wound up she gets and then she’s crying so hard she can’t catch her breath and then Jason and I are driving her around in the car, bathing her, rubbing her back, doing anything at all to desperately try to stop the cycle. That happened last night. While I was trying to work. Because yes, while all of this baby hysteria is happening we moved into a new apartment and I started my new job. All at the same fucking time. Not sure we could have planned it worse had we tried (which we didn’t, by the way). So yeah. The last time she slept well was Friday night. I have been taking care of her all day, then working from 5:30 to 9:30 every night. My husband has been working from 7 to 4 everyday, then taking care of her while I work. Needless to say we are both exhausted. Eventually things will settle down with work because once I am through my internship period I can work whenever I want. Right now I am coordinating with my mentor because we need to be online and working at the same time. And eventually Louisa’s tooth (teeth?) will just come in already god dammit and this nightmare will be over. Right? RIGHT? Please? Anyone? It’s so sad too because on the flip side of the teething and the screaming, Louisa is growing up and doing such cute things! Like grabbing things and shoving them in her mouth, laughing right out loud, shrieking with delight, and trying super hard to turn herself over. So some moments are so filled with joy. And in case you’re judging me harshly about what a jerk I am, don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter so much that I would throw myself in front of a speeding train for her. I would. But MY GOD the screaming.

Let’s move on. My daughter is 3 & 1/2 months old, and for most of that time I have been with her 24/7.  My mom was here a couple of weekends ago, and on that Monday when she was scheduled to leave she took one look at my sleep-deprived, desperate eyes and said “I’m staying an extra day”. Thank god for moms. She helped me soothe Louisa. She helped me figure out what to do. She helped me feel better about how I was coping. She helped me see that I was going to have to start letting go. I have to let people help. I have to let other people shoulder some of the responsibility – especially my husband, and especially since I have started working. She told me all of this. And I believed her. But it still hasn’t been easy. On moving day I had to help. I had to clean. I had to move. Both my and Jason’s parents had come to town with their big trucks to help us move. My step-mom helped me watch the baby while I got stuff done. There were whole hour-long periods where she wasn’t even in my sight. We moved on Saturday. On Monday my mother-in-law drove back down to help us out. Again, she watched the baby  while I got stuff done. Jason and I even, at one point, left the house to go get groceries. I left my baby alone with somebody else for almost an hour! I was proud of myself and scared shitless at the same time. Is something wrong with me? The rest of you were leaving your babies with strangers at 3 months, weren’t you. I’m a freak of nature, aren’t  I. And then all this week Jason has been taking care of her while I work in the other room. Except for sometimes I sneak out. Especially when she is screaming so loud I can hear her from the other side of the apartment through two closed doors. And then Jason gets mad because YOU’RE GOING TO GET FIRED even though I’m not because A – nobody knows what I’m doing because they can’t see me through the computer and B – I get paid by how much I type, not by the hour, so yeah – they don’t really give a shit but still, he gets pissed because he thinks I’m undermining his parenting and doesn’t think I trust him and maybe he’s right, maybe I need to just let go, but it’s so hard because sometimes the only thing that will soothe her is me and my boobies. Sigh. You guys. I need a nap. Or a good cry (which, admittedly, I’ve had quite a few of lately). Or a giant glass of wine (which I haven’t had in who the hell knows how long but DAMN if I wasn’t breastfeeding…). And if I tell you that sometimes I watch TV all day long while I’m taking care of the baby just so I can hear human voices would you think less of me?

Sorry about the stream-of-consciousness, garbage dump of a post. I don’t even have time to proofread and edit it so I’m sure there are typos and sentences that barely make sense. But I just wanted to get it out in the hopes that it would make me feel just a little bit better. Tonight: another test. Louisa has physical therapy, but I have to work so Jason has to take her all by himself. I’m sure I won’t worry at all. And, just as an aside, did I mention I’m hosting and cooking Thanksgiving dinner? Which just happens to be the day after Louisa’s 4 month vaccinations? Yeah. If you don’t hear from me again it’s because I’ve had a nervous breakdown.

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