I’m feeling better. Depression is such a bizarre animal. Last night I was up until 11:30 trying to get Lou to sleep and feeling all anxious and depressed and all of those other things I described yesterday and crying and wondering if I was the most horrible person ever and then I woke up this morning and felt completely normal. I can do this. I am doing this and have been for 10 weeks. Do you think it’s the hormones causing all of this wackiness?
Siiiiiiiiiiiigh… you guys… I know, I know– it’s been an age since I blogged, but yo — shit is hard when you have a baby. Really. If you don’t have kids and you know someone who does and you’re all bitter about how they never have time to do anything? Suck it. Parenting is more than a full time job. And let’s be honest, sometimes it really sucks. For reals. I love my daughter so much it strangles me, but I’ve been having a rough time the past few weeks. There. I said it. Judge me if you will, but I’d be willing to bet there are other moms out there that after 2 months of breast feeding, staying at home with a baby, rarely leaving the house, sometimes not getting to shower, eating dinner at top speed then holding the baby while their husband eats dinner at top speed etc. etc. are having a rough time. Now add to that the fact that on top of my daughter only having one hand we also found out that she has torticollis (a tight muscle on one side of her neck), which is causing plagiocephaly (a misshapen head), for which she is undergoing physical therapy (at 2 months of age – yeah – she really appreciates that, if by appreciates you mean throws screaming fits) and will most likely need to wear a helmet. Let me repeat that: A. HELMET. I don’t know how old y’all are, but when I was young helmets were worn by “retards” (and before you judge me, I’m using the vernacular of the politically incorrect time) or epileptics who were in danger of banging their heads against things. So anyway – yeah. Rough time. Especially considering that the orthopedist who found the torticollis and plagiocephaly informed me that it was possibly caused by my low amniotic fluid, and, incidentally, low amnotic fluid can also cause amniotic band syndrome – which is what is assumed to be what caused my daughter’s missing hand. So my feelings during the past 3ish weeks of my life can be summed up thusly: My evil womb done fucked up my daughter, and I’m a terrible parent. How are you guys?
My in-laws finally brought over the crib and we set it up – we haven’t needed it, but suddenly little Lou seems to be having trouble sleeping in the little Rock N Play sleeper thing that we’ve had her in. She sleeps, but she wrestles around and makes grunting noises. Either she just sleeps fitfully, or she is uncomfortable. So we thought we’d set up her crib and start having her sleep in that. Yeah. Fat chance. She took a nap in it once, for an hour. Other than that? As soon as I lie her down, no matter how deeply she seems to be slumbering, she jolts awake and starts kicking, playing, and eventually fussing. Speaking of sleeping, I still haven’t figured out any way to get her to sleep other than nursing her, and I know it’s a bad habit and I’m setting myself up for problems later, but I’ve got nothing. If you just put her down in her sleeper she doesn’t fall asleep, she gets more and more frustrated and animated and flails. So yeah. If anybody has any suggestions… I’m open to them.
In good news, she is so super cute and growing like mad. Her coos have turned into full on vowel sounds and she makes them all day long now. I sit and have conversations with her – she especially likes it when we sing to her – then her words really come pouring out. And the huge, gummy smiles are awesome too. I can’t believe that a mere 2 months ago she was in my belly. You think babies take forever to grow up, but it happens in an instant and right before your very eyes. She is also mostly holding her head up – it still flops around a bit, but she’s getting very good at it. Well, when I’m sitting her up on my lap she’s good at it. On her tummy she still bobs it up and down and mostly face plants, but she can pick it up and turn it from one side to the other, and then back again. She still isn’t very interested in any toys – we tried introducing a rattle but I think it irritates her. I was, as a baby, (and still am for that matter) very sensitive to noise and lights, and maybe she is too. But we’ll keep trying.
In other good news, and completely off of the whole baby topic, the lease is up on our apartment at the end of next month and we’re getting the hell out of here. We debated about staying just to save money (because I’m not working yet), but started looking just to see what is out there. I think I’ve been living in denial about what a shit hole this place is, and what a crappy area it’s in, but once Jason took me to see a place he had looked at on his own I told him that we needed to do whatever it took (including selling both of our souls) to get the place because I couldn’t live here anymore. Turns out we didn’t even have to sell our souls. Rent is pretty cheap in Vegas, and Jason just got a raise so HIPHIPHOORAY, come November 3rd we’re movin’ on up, out of this nasty place where people’s cars get stolen and there are cockroaches partying in my kitchen (for really reals – I hate them so much I can’t describe it and though it has only been 3 of them so far in a year of living here – that’s 3 too many, I’d have a tea party with spiders before I’d be okay with cockroaches and that is saying something because I hate me some spiders). Anyway – that is the silver lining that keeps me going when I feel like a depressed failure. I suppose I could get back on my medication, but that would mean I’d have to quit breast feeding. And oh yeah – I don’t have health insurance anymore. Like I said… sigh…
Hi there. I’m taking a break from all of the baby stuff to touch upon another subject with which I am very familiar, and about which I have posted before. Depression! (jazz hands). All joking aside, depression sucks and it is sometimes hard to live with. I monitor myself very carefully most of the time because I know that at any given moment I can (and do) slip into a very dark place. I recently read this on the interwebs and wanted to share it with y’all, in case any of you wrestle with the beast of depression. Please click link below if you are interested. Please don’t click link below if you are not.
“Most people don’t see depression in others, and that’s by design. We depressives simply spirit ourselves away when we’ve dimmed so as not to stain those who live in the sun”.
Louisa, who is now 7 weeks old, has been cultivating better sleep habits for almost 2 weeks now. She will settle down at anywhere from 8 to 11, sleep for 3 & 1/2 to 4 hours, eat again, and then sleep for another few hours. Which now that I’m typing it doesn’t sound at all like she has any type of schedule, but really, sleeping for 4 (and once even F I V E) whole hours in a row is so wonderful that I consider it a triumph. And then there are the bad nights (usually the night before I have to take her to some appointment or other necessitating my taking Jason to work at 7 in the morning because of the whole 1-car-family thing), the nights where she just won’t go to sleep, the nights where she fights the sleep even though her eyelids are so very droopy, the nights where every time she finally drifts off and I’ve carefully placed her in the bassinet her eyes POP OPEN and she starts partying like it’s 1999. Last night was one of those nights. Her schedule has admittedly been fucked up (pardon my french) since last week because we’ve had visitor after visitor (the problem with having the cutest baby in the whole world is that everyone wants to visit/see/hold/touch/kiss/tickle her) so I’m lucky actually that it was the first night where she was confused about what time it was and subsequently wanted to kick her chubby little legs and suck on her pacifier like it’s going out of style (seriously, you should see the kid suck on that thing, it’s like she’s got a super thick chocolate shake that just WON’T COME THROUGH THE DAMN STRAW and she’s trying desperately to get at it). The thing is, she is so cute right now it’s hard to be mad at her. Not that I get mad at her per se, but you know what I mean. The nights where I’m dead tired and really looking forward to the 3 & 1/2 to 4 hours of sleep that I’m now getting are the ones where she’s all like “hey, let’s NOT sleep, mmmkay?” and I’m sitting in the living room sobbing while I hold her and beg her to sleep and then I look down at her little face and she’s smiling (oh the smiiiiiiiling and cooing that is happening right now, such cuteness!!) and looking at me like I’m the funnest thing ever and I think to myself “who the hell cares if I sleep? Look at this baby’s little face”!
Anyway, the point is, last night she stayed up until 1 am, and now she is slumbering peacefully as I sit here typing this. Why, you may be asking, am I awake? Well because my father is on his way here. My sister got here last week, then went to stay with him for a few days, and is now on her way back. They threatened to be here by 8:30 so even though little Louisa is completely zonked out I am here updating you people. Appreciate it, would you?
Since the last time I wrote I’ve had to take her to 2 appointments in the same week. And boy did THAT suck. One was a follow up with the cardiologist (one of the tiny heart holes she was born with is all closed up, the other is almost there – thank god) and the other was my 6-week postpartum follow up visit (everything is all healed up etc). She screamed during both. Especially her cardiology visit. Oh boy did she scream and cry and break my heart. During my visit my midwife was like “no problem, we’ll just get the nurses to babysit for a minute”. When I was done and went to collect my baby, panicking about how she was torturing the nurses? She was all smiles and coos. Apparently she only screams for me. Which means that she has the momnipulation thing down already and I’ll never be able to take her to the grocery store unless I want to buy toys and/or candy to settle her down. In other words, she’ll be just like me throwing tantrums in the corner until my mom finally picked me up and left the full grocery cart there. Luckily she is super cute, and the Mama love is pretty strong. Otherwise I’d hand her off to the gypsies and get a full night’s sleep.