I am an inherently unhappy person. And I hate it. And somehow,
soon NOW, something has to change. I need to either learn to love the life I’m leading or change mine so that I do. Because I am pregnant I will not take anti-depressant medication (the arguments for and against are both valid and if the depression gets to an unmanageable point then there are options, but I figure this baby deserves a drug free life until (s)he is a grown-up and discovers his/her own mental disorder) so instead I will have to make things better by natural means. The first step, I’ve decided (I’m no expert, but this is my life and my blog so I’m making up the rules) is a major attitude adjustment. Major. I’ve been reading the blogs of two of my cousins that I’ve been out of contact with since they were a whole lot younger (I moved to Portland when they were still in high school) and upon rediscovering them I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the beautiful, adventurous, high-spirited, life-loving, amazing people they have become. And I’ve decided that I need to be more like that, more like them. I need to find the joy in things rather than the bitter sorrow. There is beauty all around, even in Las Vegas.
So: this blog is about to become a whole different place. I am about to become a whole new me. No more complaining. No more swearing. No more wishing I were somebody else, living a different life. This is the one I was given, the one I’ve been livin’, and the one I need to learn to feel comfortable in.
To start I would like to list some of the things that are good and great, and that I should really get to appreciatin’ already.
1 – My husband. He really is great. He loves me – sometimes I wonder why, but he does. He has been patient through the puking and the weight gain and the lack of motivation that has been the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy. And he’s so excited about the baby. It’s very cute.
2 – My pregnancy. I’m going to have a baby! A little being to love, cherish and take care of. I’ll admit here, to my blog and nobody else, that after the first couple of exhilarating I’M PREGNANT!!!!! weeks, I started to have misgivings, doubts (okay, terrified HOLY CRAP days where I wondered what the hell I was thinking and how the hell I thought I was qualified to raise a child) and was seriously terrified of this whole baby thing. I still have occasional twinges. It’s scary. It is. But then I look at my mother, and her sister, and the great kids they’ve raised and I realize that I will probably be a natural, and that I’d rather be doing this than to get to a ripe old age and regret that I never did this.
3. My cats. They’re crazy, they make me crazy, their poo stinks, they eat stupid things and get ill (requiring insanely expensive visits to the vet), they shred my furniture, but geez are they cute and cuddly. One of them is currently trying to crowd the computer off of my lap because rightfully, he belongs there. They sleep on my feet and my head. I love them.
4. My apartment (despite the ridiculously loud neighbors above). It is small and sort of in a trashy neighborhood, but for a first place after a transstate (that’s like transcontinental only between states, not continents) move it ain’t bad. And hey, I’m not homeless, which would really suck.
5. My family (including my husband’s relatives) who have been wonderful with the whole “we just moved to a new state, I started school and got pregnant, hey our savings account is gone” thing. Money problems are my least favorite problems. Really. They torture me, they terrorize me, they keep me up at night. Luckily, we are not alone in this world (which I need to realize and stop being terrorized). Jason’s parents gave us money and a new couch, my dad & stepmom took me shopping for tons of helpful items at costco and bought me some much needed maternity clothes (not to mention allowed me to stay at their place for a week to use their internet), my mom gave me food, more maternity clothes and things for the baby (and is coming out here to visit me because I’ve been so lonesome and blue), my grandma wrote out a check to pay for 6 months of internet so that I don’t have to go to the stinkin’ public library and/or continue to stay at my dad’s – wow these people are fantastic and we are lucky as punch (no, that’s not actually a saying) to have them.
In closing, here are some… mini-goals, I guess, to help me on my way to the ultimate goal of being a happy person.
1. Stop dwelling on the past and regretting every decision I’ve ever made. I can’t go back and change them so what’s the point of dwelling?
2. Stop swearing so much, especially in my writing. Reading through old posts yesterday made me realize how assaulting the swears can be (especially the eff word – eek).
3. Start noticing and appreciating things around me (like the fact that the sun is shining and it’s warm in February, the birds are chirping, etc. etc.)
4. Start keeping up with my blogging again. It’s therapeutic. It will help. (right??)
This is just the beginning. I do not want to be this version of me anymore.