It’s an odd day today. Or maybe I’m just in an odd mood. Slightly melancholy, slightly worried, really tired, so done with being here. Despite the fear and anxiety about moving I am so very ready to move on, you guys. It might also have something to do with the weather (yes, I’m still complaining about the weather, give me a few months). It suddenly changed dramatically (as it is wont to do in the northwest) and went from 95 and sunny to 60 something and overcast. My least favorite type of weather and it’ll be like this until I move. It will be so nice to leave when it’s cold and raining here and arrive in Vegas when it’s completely gorgeous weather. This feeling might also be stemming from all of the crap going on around here – moving and planning for such a move and finding a new job and a new apartment and how to move across a few states with two cats and what if I really am pregnant and wow life is complicated sometimes. I’m trying to just take it all in and go with the flow but there are definitely moments of HOLY CRAP.
I’ve been feeling odd lately – how to describe it to you folks, who aren’t inside of me (and haven’t been for the past 34 and a half years (wow. I’m almost 35)) – less negative than normal, less sarcastic. More optimistic, even. I feel like I’m growing up a little, which sounds weird, I know, but there have been specific times in my life where I suddenly feel like I’m a little more adult than I was a few months before. And right now is one of those times. I’m listening to the negativity that can sometimes surround me where I work (understandably, I work in the customer service department and there’s a lot of shit you can talk about the general public) and I want to rise above it and be a positive person – which is something I have never been, and not really thought about, but I hear their attitudes, voices, responses and I know how I react to it and how it makes me feel and I think “naw, I’m going to be happy and positive so that people don’t feel that way when I’m talking to them” , and so I think I shall. And I also want to quit swearing. The numerous fucks and Jesus Christs that get flung around not only here but on television, movies, the street – I just kind of don’t want to talk that way anymore. I don’t want to be driven by anger and frustration and shake my inner fist at everyone. So y’all, I think I’m just not going to do it anymore. I’m going to try to be a happy person who doesn’t complain about everything and use a bunch of swear words. I also think I might need to get my tattoos removed, but that’s a different story for a different day.
I believe I’ve mentioned before how sometimes I wake up with church hymns stuck in my head? Well, today it was a song called How Great Thou Art. I love church hymns. It’s pretty much the only thing I miss about church, and religion in general really. I dig gospel music too. But anyway, I like the phrase “then sings my soul” – even when I was a kid it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Your soul is singing! What a great description of feeling something way down deep, you know? So I’m glad, of all the hymns that could bubble to the forefront of my subconscious it was that one (and not The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning) because perhaps it will inspire me to feel better. If I can concentrate on it, that is, and drown out the fucks and Jesus Christs and negative comments.