I’m still exhausted. Saturday I laid down to take a brief nap and ended up sleeping for 40 minutes. Hard. Like, if there had been a loud apocalypse of some type, I totally would have missed it. The only reason I woke up was that Carl jumped on the bed and stuck his wet nose on my arm. Yesterday I cooked and went grocery shopping and did laundry and then I had to lie down. It’s quite pathetic. There are three possible explanations (other than the African sleeping sickness and/or cancer) for this recent malaise: 1 – We’ve had a recent heat wave here in Portland, two weeks of 95 degrees or higher can sometimes take a toll on those who are accustomed to 64 and misty. 2 – There are wildfires burning somewhere east of here and thanks to the bastard wind the ashes and other byproducts are floating into our city. The skyline suddenly resembles LA smog. On the bright side, we’ve had beautiful sunsets. According to some people, such air quality can make people feel tired. 3 – I might be pregnant. Whoops. Yes. I’ve been holding out on you, dear readers (all two of you), but in my defense, I’m deathly afraid of having another miscarriage and therefore if I am pregnant I’m not telling people until we’re well into the 3rd month and miscarriages are much less likely. So. I didn’t bring it up. Until now. Yeah. Did I mention my last day at my job is October 14th and then I’m moving to a new city in the hopes of finding a new job? So either I’m going to be without health insurance for a while, or paying an outlandish fee for COBRA for a few months. And I might be pregnant. Whoops! And still, I’m having a hard time not being excited and hopeful.
One of the questions you (all two of you) might be asking is how did this happen and why did I let it? I mean, who would get pregnant just before uprooting their entire life (job, insurance, apartment etc)? Well, The Baby Fever is a powerful motivator. And birth control pills make me a psychotic person. No really, they do. I know a lot of people call it mood swings, but in my case there was only one mood and it was Crazy Bitch. My mother and sister have the same problem. Anyway – I kept having gigantic, horrible fights with my husband in which I would threaten to leave him and move back home to Utah. I kept having anxiety attacks complete with sweating, chest pains and intense panic about everything. I finally decided that it just wasn’t worth it. I stopped the birth control pills and the crazy pills (I realize as I’m writing this that I probably sound like an unstable, mad woman with all the back and forth with the depression and the anxiety and the needing pills and the going off of pills, but, well, if the shoe fits I guess…) and I feel so much better. I’ve just stopped stressing about things. This is huge for me. I am a super stresser, a professional worry wart. But I’m just not doing it anymore. I’m sure it helps that I have quit my stressful job and so now I’m just doing the day-to-day stuff without worrying about being there in the future. It’s hard to explain, but I don’t even feel sick on Sunday nights/Monday mornings like I used to, because after today there’s only four more Mondays at this joint (let’s not talk about how that just means it will be Mondays somewhere else, maybe I’ll love Mondays there? Plus, I’m working on a strategy that will allow me to work from home (more on that in the future) and Mondays at home wouldn’t be Mondays at all now would they?), so why stress? All I have to do is train my replacements (which, admittedly, will suck) and put up with all of the panicking about my departure for the next five weeks, and then I’m home free.
Wait, how did I derail myself? Wasn’t I talking about pregnancy? Right, the point is that I went off the Crazy Bitch pills because they suck. And though we’re not actually TRYING to get pregnant, we’re not NOT trying. So. Yeah. It’s totally possible that I’m knocked up. Evidence to support this theory (and alternative explanations that could also be plausible): my hooters are a little sore (sorry), could be explained away as part of the normal, monthly cycle. I have cramping sensations in my uterus region (sorry!), also could be explained as cyclical, female stuff. I’m hungry, which could just be a side effect of being a fat chick. I’ve had occasional dizzy spells, which might be caused by the heat (right?). I’ve been having very vivid and strange dreams, which I suppose could be a byproduct of sleeping more soundly because of not taking Wellbutrin (which is essentially just legal methamphetamines). And then there’s the total exhaustion. I am so tired y’all. So tired, which I suppose could be explained away as being caused by stress, life, extreme heat, far-off fires, hormones and whatever else you can think of. So there you have it. I’ll keep you posted, obviously.