If you were wondering where I’ve disappeared to and why, the answers are nowhere and because I just feel like shit. Honestly. I was so excited to get and be pregnant – obsessed with it, reading all of the books, trying to do everything right and then I had a fucking miscarriage and it just made me sad. And mad. I keep vacillating back and forth, angry, sad, angry, angry, sad, sad, really fucking angry, sad. And it has been raining for 3 days straight. And when I say that it has been raining for 3 days straight, I mean that it has literally been drizzling, dripping, pissing or pouring all fucking day (and all fucking night) for 3 days straight. So I’ve been plodding through the world with this infinite sadness, like a cancer, spreading around my body, my mind, my world. I can feel it, big and choking, sitting right there on my chest. I don’t notice anything around me, I do my job like a robot since it doesn’t take much of my brain power anyway, I drive on autopilot so that when I get home I don’t remember how I got there, it’s pretty awful y’all. And everybody keeps saying it’s normal to feel this way and that it’ll get better, but really? I’m not quite sure. This little incident may have been the gentle nudge that got me from almost okay to not really coping. I’m giving it another week and if I still feel like this I’m either calling the doc to get back on the meds or I’m hopping a train to some place else and never coming back.

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