The reason that they tell you not to announce a pregnancy until after the first trimester, or at the very least until you hear a heartbeat, is because early miscarriages are an unfortunate reality. I’ve been debating since yesterday whether I should post this or not, but writing stuff here gets it out of my head, so here’s what I wrote yesterday:

So it would seem that I’m losing my little poppy seed. I woke up this morning at 5am with a lot of bleeding and cramping. I texted my husband, asked him to call me when he woke up. He did. And was as freaked out and devastated as I am. I then called my mom, to see if this has ever happened to her before and if she had any advice, oh and because she’s my mom and that’s what you do. It hasn’t, she didn’t, but she loves me and made me feel better. I then called the on-call midwife to explain what was happening. The bleeding had slowed to a trickle by then so she said she wouldn’t jump to miscarriage just yet, but that it was clearly a cause for concern. She said I go could to the emergency room if I wanted – I don’t so I didn’t, or I could come in tomorrow for a blood test and then another one a couple of days later to see if the levels of hcg have gone up. If they haven’t, well, then it’s pretty obvious what went on. But then the bleeding returned, and the cramps, with a vengeance. I used to get really bad menstrual cramps in high school, but since then not so much. I’m one of the lucky girls whose period is just slightly annoying, but never really painful. Anyway – this feels just like a really heavy, crampy, horrible period. Even more so because I’m so sad. Honestly, it’s amazing how fast you can get attached to the idea of having a baby. I’m 5 weeks and 1 day and I just keep crying. Did I mention my husband is in Arizona? He offered to leave a day early, start driving back today instead of tomorrow, but what good would that do? He still wouldn’t be here for 2 days. So I told him no, but right now all I really want is for him to be here to hug me. I guess THIS is why they caution you not to tell people about your pregnancy until you’re through the first trimester. Jesus Christ. There’s a chic bringing me maternity clothes tomorrow.

I didn’t go to work today, obviously, and went in for my blood test, but I know in my heart that it’s done, and there will be no Christmas baby. I cried a lot yesterday, a little less today. The kind phlebotomist checking me into the lab squeezed my hand, gave me a tissue and said “I’m really sorry.” She then pushed me straight into a room and got me done and out of there so that I didn’t have to wait in a crowded room weeping in front of strangers. God bless her. My kind sister told the few people at work who knew that I was knocked up what was happening so that I don’t have to tell them tomorrow. All that’s left is for me to call my dad and I’m dreading it not because of him, but because I know that I will break down. Jason is on his way home and then we can comfort each other. I’m not sure yet when I will feel like trying again, but I’m sure the day will come.

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