A word of advice (take it if you will, ignore it if you won’t): if you’re pregnant? DON’T WATCH THE NOTEBOOK. Curse you, Nicholas Sparks and your cheesy, melodramatic, love stories! You can’t see me, but I’m shaking an angry fist right now. I’ve seen this movie before and I didn’t weep for an hour straight the last time. Hormones are a bitch. My husband is out of town for the weekend, so I thought it would be fun to eat m&ms and watch sappy, chick flicks – which, as Ray Ray so kindly pointed out is no different from my regular routine when he’s around, but that’s neither here nor there, it’s somehow more fun. So last night I got a frozen pizza (which I then burned off the roof of my mouth with), started up the movie and bawled through the whole thing! Okay, not the WHOLE thing, I was okay for the first 30 minutes or so, until Ali’s mean mom forces her to move back to Charleston and then hides all of Noah’s letters. Thank god no one was around to witness me sobbing uncontrollably. Well, except Lenny and Carl, the scoffing kitties with their judging eyes. Consequently, this morning I have giant, puffy eyes. Add that to the angry “blemish” (gigantic, oozing scab that I caused by poking at and fiddling with what started out as a small pimple and consequently it is the size of Texas) on my chin and the 100lbs of water I’m retaining and let’s just say I’m glad my husband is out of town, otherwise he might take one look at me and run screaming in the other direction. I think I may take this opportunity to frame and hang some of our wedding photos so that for the next 8 months he can gaze at them and remember how pretty I once was.

Not last night but the night before I had the most idiotic dream that we had the baby and were taking care of it and loving it, but somehow we had forgotten to purchase and provide any of the essentials – like it was a total surprise that I had given birth and we were like “oh no, we don’t have a crib.” I spent half the dream wandering around searching for a diaper. I’m sure I have 35 more weeks of nightmares to look forward to as I begin to realize that I have no idea how to be a mother. Unless you count taking care of 2 cats as preparation. Which I don’t. Speaking of 35 weeks, the way that they figure out pregnancy length is pretty wacky. A pregnancy is estimated to be around 40 weeks long, but they start the count at your last menstrual period, which means that for the first 2 weeksish of your pregnancy you’re not even really pregnant. So I’m 5 weeks pregnant today, but the wee un has probably only been in there for 3. And you’re considered full term at 37 weeks. If you give birth anywhere between 37 and 42 it’s considered normal and healthy. So your due date is really just a suggestion, a hint, a clue as to which 4 week period you may give birth in. They should call it a due window. Whatever.

I went to Wal Mart at lunch yesterday, and THAT almost made me burst into tears. Not really, but have you seen this crazy place? I don’t go there often because it actually frightens me, but I was possessed by the idea of some inexpensive (cheap, shitty) clothes for the 2 weeks of spring and 4 weeks of summer that we’ll soon be having in Portland (it was FINALLY sunny and 60 degrees yesterday! Ignore the fact that it’s supposed to start raining again any minute now). I’ve gained some weight so I won’t fit into last year’s clothes, but I’m obviously going to be gaining more weight soon, so I didn’t want to spend a bunch of money on things that I have no idea how often I’ll get to wear before I’m plunged into highly attractive maternity clothes. So I went to Wal Mart. I found some almost cute things and they were pretty cheap, but I’m not sure it’s worth the terror. The people, the employees, the SHIT they’re selling? It’s like a different planet. I always wondered where people got those creepy tee-shirts that say things like “World’s Best Grandma” in shiny, metallic letters. And almost all of their pants had elastic waists, even the ones in regular sizes – somebody please explain this to me?

And finally, my lack of morning sickness has still got me a little panicked. I know, nobody wishes for morning sickness, but I just happened to read somewhere in one of my pregnancy books that some doctors consider morning sickness a sign of a healthy pregnancy, that it means the placenta is growing healthily or something like that. Thanks, pregnancy book for presenting yet another reason for me to panic. I’ve had maybe 5 seconds of slight queasiness a couple of times, absolutely no nausea or vomiting so far. I guess most people start experiencing it at around week 5, 6 or 7 so there’s still time, but if it never shows up do I have to wonder for 8 months (35 weeks) whether my damn placenta is inefficient?