Sigh. And in case that first one wasn’t heavy enough, SIGH. Sorry about my last couple of posts – they were crap. Sometimes on the roller coaster of my mood disorder the dips are really big dips, or maybe I’m just a really big dip, either way – sometimes when I’m really low it’s difficult to claw my way out and share myself. I get really stuck inside my head and all I can see and hear is what’s going on up there, so what comes out might not be authentic.
I’m going to keep posting every day because I said I would (I meant what I said and I said what I meant – an elephant’s faithful, 100 percent), but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to tag everything as postaday. I think I slipped a little in my musings because I thought people were going to be reading, so I was trying a little too hard to be funny, insightful or what have you. I do that, sometimes, in real life too. Oh, people are watching, gotta be a clown. It’s a way of covering up the real me. People like funny. People don’t like introspectively morose.
I’m wicked homesick. Have I mentioned that already? I was born and raised in Utah. I have lived in Portland, Oregon for 9 & 1/2 years, but I still feel like Utah is home and I’m just visiting here for a while. It’s weird. I don’t know if it’s just because most of my family still lives there, or if it’s in my blood – some sort of weird, Utah pioneer DNA thing (yes, some of my ancestors were among those horse and wagon folks that trekked their way across the plains – or maybe that’s just something all the mormons tell their kids to make them appreciate things better – “your great, great, GREAT grand something or other walked and walked and walked AND WALKED to get here, now quit yer bitchin’ and eat your beans”). Sometimes though, I wish I were waking up in Salt Lake City and having Sunday dinner with my mom. Right now I actually wish I were on a road trip, by myself, just me and my thoughts, maybe some music, driving through the sage brush and red dirt of Southern Utah. It’s definitely time for a visit.
In other news, it’s also time to tweak my blog a little. When I filled out my About page I was in a hurry, subsequently it sucks. Plus, I’m not such a big fan of this theme I’m using. I’m not smart enough to just make my own page (although someday I’d like to be), so I guess I’ll just pick another theme. Or make my little brother come over here and show me a thing or two. I wonder if I’ll get struck by lightning for linking to that hymn. Oh well. I’ve heard electroshock therapy sometimes works for depression.