I am holed up inside, avoiding the rain and trying to stop a nasty virus before it starts.  The Husband, man about town, came home last night with Piranha 3D, a B movie horror flick starring former A list celebrities (that are obviously down on their luck) Ving Rhames (the guy from Pulp Fiction, you know, that surprising work of genius that got Tarantino noticed and revived John Travolta’s career?), Golden Globe winning, Oscar nominated Elisabeth Shue, Richard Dreyfuss (who actually won an Oscar) and the great Christopher Lloyd (he won an Emmy).

Oh the horror movie, as American as apple pie.  How many have I seen?  All of them, I think. No seriously, I’m somewhat of a connoisseur, from Freddy’s first nightmare to Jason’s final Friday, from Leprechaun to Troll, Wicker Man to Candyman, I have seen them all.  Yes, I have polluted my mind with all of this trash. In that regard, Piranha does not disappoint. It’s as big a steaming turd as any of the Saw sequels.

***warning:  spoiler alert!***

The plot of this ridiculous tale is that it’s spring break in Lake Victoria, Arizona and a bunch of drunk titties are coming to town. Sheriff Shue discovers the skin-stripped corpse of drunk fisherman Dreyfuss and begins to suspect that something bad is happening. This suspicion is reinforced when the diving team she escorts to investigate the seismic activity that has uncovered a lake underneath the regular lake is eaten to death by piranhas. One of the CGI fish is able to sneak onto the boat – convenient, as they (Sheriff Shue and the single diver who survived) can now take it to marine biologist, pet store owner Doc Brown Carl Goodman, the resident expert on such matters, so that he can tell them that it’s a piranha that doesn’t exist anymore – they must have survived in the under-lake lake by feeding on each other. Great Scott!

Meanwhile, back at tit lake, Sheriff Shue’s nerdy son Jake (played by an actor named Steven R. McQueen – really?) ditches his younger siblings to go out on a boat with Wild Wild Girls director (probably based on real life, drunk-chicks-flashing-boobies film creator Joe Francis), Jerry O’ Connell and his two naked starlets, plus this girl who isn’t really Jake’s girlfriend but who looks kinda hot in a bikini. While out and about corrupting Jake’s not-girlfriend and filming underwater makeout scenes between the two big busted, Wild Wild Girls chicks they discover the younger siblings Jake’s supposed to be babysitting, trapped on an island in the middle of the lake. They had gone fishing (even though he paid them 60 dollars to stay home!) and managed to “mix their knots up” so that their boat floated away. Even though they’ve clearly lived there all of their lives and own a boat, on which they fish a lot. Pretty sure they know which fucking knot to use, is all I’m saying.

Eventually Sheriff Shue, Deputy Rhames and Surviving Diver Guy get caught in the middle of a piranha feeding frenzy. They try to save all the drunken, half-naked chicks but it proves very difficult as they’re all too stupid to listen to the “get the fuck out of the water now” warning, and instead choose to keep on dancing, and jump right in (plus, as we all know, showing your hoots in a horror movie always gets you killed). Jake and his band of porn stars get attacked by their own bunch of fishies, and only after half of them are dead and Jerry O’ Connell’s mangled corpse adorns the hull of the porn boat does ickle Jakey think to call his mom, the fucking Sheriff, who has a fucking boat and a lot of fucking guns. She rushes over and saves her children. Unfortunately for Hooty McBoob, the only remaining Wild Wild Girl, the piranhas grab her by the hair and eat off her face while she tries to shimmy across the rope they’ve set up for rescue.  Jake and his not-girlfriend blow up a bunch of fish and they all ride off into the sunset. Except for there’s the surprise ending whereby Doc Brown Carl Goodman calls to tell them that the fish they’ve been killing are just the babies. And before you can shout “one point twenty one gigawatts!” a papa piranha jumps out of the water and eats Surviving Diver Guy.

Highlight of the movie: Jerry O’ Connell’s penis getting eaten, then burped back up by a piranha.

Lowlight of the movie: Jerry O’ Connell’s last words, burbled out in blood as he lays dying:  “wet tee-shirt…. wet tee-shirt” (I am not making this shit up).

So, if you’re a horror movie fan, one who likes gratuitous boobies and the ever famous all-the-way-up-the-ass cam (seriously, I’m surprised we couldn’t see colon) Piranha 3D can be found at your local redbox for only a buck.

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