Today, today today…  ohhhh today. Today was the first day back after a 3 day weekend. Last Monday was too, but last Monday we all had the satisfaction of knowing that we only had to work for 4 days, and then had another 3 day weekend. Now we all have the satisfaction of knowing that the holidays are OVER, now it’s just FUCKING WINTER, and we don’t have another paid holiday until memorial day – unless you are like my parents and work for the government and get things like Columbus Day and Martin Luther King Jr. day off and stuff. Back to today. I’m sure you all (by which I mean me a year from now when I’m reading through all of my blogs because nobody else is reading this) are wondering how my diet is going. My Atkins diet that I started today. Let’s see. I quit and went to buy fat pants. I lasted all of 6 hours before I thought to myself, all sassy like (I think I may have been wagging my finger) “oh screw THIS” and put a piece of candy in my mouth (homemade candy, I think, that I found in the breakroom at work and man did it taste like crap! totally not worth it!). Anyway – Intuitive Eating. It’s my only way to go. I need to print up a sign to carry around that says YOU CAN’T DIET! YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER! on one side and on the other it says I TOLD YOU SO! for when I’ve gone ahead and gone on the diet, only to realize, duh, dieting just makes me want to eat everything in sight including small animals and children. Okay, not really, but you get the point. Incidentally, I tried to talk The Husband about this all on the way home from work and he just looked at me with that “ohshitherewegoagain” face and you know, I just wanted to poke him right in the eye (and if you don’t know how I feel about eye injuries you should know – they totally TOTALLY freak me out, like, yeah) because do you know how many hours of guitar this and guitar that I have sat through? At least I pretend to be interested as he rattles on and on about 80s metal guitar even though it’s now 2011 and NOT 1985! Anyway – apparently the body image/eating disorder/I hate myself will have to be shared with you, humble reader (future AJ) and/or my friend at work (hi Amy!).

So, after coming to that conclusion, and realizing that I can’t continue to wear the same ratty ass jeans everyday (because I look like a homeless person) and that my jacket is indeed broken (the zipper won’t go down so it has become a pullover, but I scrape my face every time I try to get it off and everyone is tired of me shouting FUCK when it happens (and by everyone I mean The Cats)), so I went to Goodwill. It’s always an adventure, Goodwill. Always. I’m not going to go into the people, because I sort of have a headache and think I might be coming down with something, plus I just want to get to the Breaking Bad episodes sitting over there on top of the television, and open up the 2011 horoscope calendar I just got in the mail – both are rewards for completing my daily blog. And the point? I don’t have time to talk about the people at the Goodwill.  As I wandered around rifling through the pants section I wondered to myself “are low rise jeans still in style?” and then I realized, duh, no, of COURSE they aren’t, it’s just that I’m at Goodwill 7 (9? 11?) years after they were in style. Then, spotting a really cute pair of jeans (OMG!) I grabbed them, only to see that they were a size 4 shoved onto the rack of L jeans(at Goodwill they don’t have real sizes – just S,M, L, Xl etc, and they separate by color, which is very interesting). So I finally wrasseled a few pairs of pants and some promising sweaters into the dressing room and then the real fun began. All of you fat girls know how much fun it is to try on clothes in dressing rooms. Well, add to that the cheap ass hangers, the lame sauce music, the horrible lighting, the fact that I had forgotten about my broken zippered jacket so had to try to wrangle it over my head almost breaking my glasses (but at least I found a new one for 3.49!). One pair of pants: not only ridiculously ill fitting but very VERY momjeans. Another pair: way way too big, unfortunately, because very fashionable. Another pair: too horrid for description, trust me on this one. The last pair: Okay enough for purchase, especially considering that at this point I was ready to cry.

Suddenly I’m bored with myself and this post. It seems lame. So I’ll bid you adieu and hope for better tomorrow. And I’m not editing for spelling or grammar because I just don’t want to. Repeat after me: YOU CAN’T DIET! YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!

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